Oh Nurse...? Bingo!

On Friday, I violated The Primary Law Of Akeeyu's Medical Care: I was optimistic and had a positive outlook.  This naturally guaranteed an impending shitstorm.

I packed up my Extremely Anal Retentive Charting Notebook, printed out directions to my new OB/GYN's office and headed off to see the nurse.  Why see the nurse instead of the doctor?  Because I wanted to pick her brain about which doctor would be best suited to address my eternally fucked up snatch numerous medical concerns.  Luckily, the nurse wasn't feeling terribly well and had cancelled all her appointments and instead, I saw a very sweet medical assistant who gave me the skinny about which doctor had the best credentials and bedside manner.

This would have been a happy ending.  I would have been thrilled with that.  Unfortunately, as I continued to ask question, Nurse Assvice, in all her unwell glory, lurched into view.  Damnit.  She listened to my concerns about my missing period and bizarre, unexplainable lack of Endo pain (and keep in mind, I am not complaining about the pain being gone, it's just that this is the first time in several years that the pain has gone away for any significant length of time, and I am very interested in knowing what the hell is going on with my body), my persistantly elevated temperature, and examined my chart.

Things were going well.  I should have run like hell.

She asked me how long I'd been off the patch.  I said a month.  She looked up from my chart and waved her hand at it dismissively.  "Oh, well then, none of this means anything."

Okay.  So, the fact that my period is late means nothing, even though I typically have a normal cycle.  The fact that every other time I've gone off birth control hormones (and there have been quite a few times) my period has returned promptly also means nothing, for you see, nobody in the history of the world has ever gotten pregnant right after going off birth control, according to Nurse Assvice.

Yes, well, thank you, Nurse Assvice.  For the record, I didn't think I was pregnant, I was just wondering where the hell my period had gone. 

See, this is my Vagina.  Blood usually comes out of my Vagina.  Currently, no Blood is coming out of my Vagina.  Where is the Blood?

Here was Nurse Assvice's answer: "Well, you just need to..."

...all together now...

"...relax."

Yes, she went there.  And then she told me all about the fact that she had Endometriosis "really bad", and she had three kids.  What bearing this had on my personal uterus, I just can't imagine.  She also told me about her niece who has Endo and has been pregnant lots of times.  Again, fascinating, as nobody else in my life has ever before felt the need to drag up every other acquaintance with Endo and explain to me that it was no big deal, but not terribly helpful.

She gave me pointers on charting, because you know, my Extremely Anal Retentive Charting Notebook, complete with colored tabs, highlighters, and meticulous graphing of temps, cervical position, fluid, pain, and intercourse frequency must have betrayed the work of a rank amateur.  Ha. Ha. Ha.

When I mentioned Sam's less than stellar Semen Analysis, she recommended that he stay out of hot tubs and not ride a bike, because clearly, somebody who has gone to the trouble to self-refer one's husband to a lab for a detailed workup wouldn't know these things.

Really, I would have gotten more constructive help with fertility had I just saved my $20 co-pay and gone down to the waterfront to score crack, because we all know about the legendary fertility of crack whores.

I immediately became very depressed (more so) and cried for the rest of the day.  This morning, I woke up and wondered what to do with this experience.  The way I figure it, I paid $20 for that hour, I might as well turn it into something useful, so here it is: Assvice Bingo Cards.

All Purpose Assvice Bingo:

Infertility Assvice Bingo:

Endometriosis Assvice Bingo:

These can be printed for personal use at home, work, during holidays, baby showers and medical appointments on the condition that, upon using them, you email me and tell me how it went.  Anybody who sends me photographs of the faces of their doctors and acquaintances after they yell "Bingo!" will recieve a personal email from me (suitable for framing) stating that they are officially way fucking cooler than me.      

Comments

[Wavery]

LOVE YOU

[Jenn]

BINGO! classic :)

[penelope]

you're brilliant - I could get bingo in one phone conversation with any of my relatives! Maybe if I print these out and put them by the phone I won't turn into a weeping mess every time.

Here are a few more

"You're too intense."
"I'm sure it's going to work this time."
"We're all praying for you."

sorry about the crappy nurse - at my RE's office they don't ever, ever say the JR phrase - even when they're doing really painful nasty things - they must be trained not to!

[chris]

Where do I collect my prize?

So funny.

[Ollie]

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tiffanni]

You Don't Need PainKillers??????
Someone actually said that? Seriously??
I hope you got to say that same thing right back to them after you ripped out their throat!

[wessel]

Akeeyu, you are just amazing. I seriously think you could make some money with all these ideas you keep getting.

[Julie]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh this is GREAT.

May I also suggest Asshat Bingo? You know, for comments like, "Well, I'd be happy to donate some sperm. [leer]" And, "You want kids? Why don't you take one of mine?" Except instead of yodeling "BINGO!" you could ululate a battle cry like Xena, Warrior Princess and kick the offender square in the clueless nuts.

[journeywoman71]

Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off!!

You forgot "You two have such a wonderful marriage why are you bringing kids into it?"

And "All I have to do is LOOK at my hubby and I get pregnant he he he."

You are amazing!

[Kinneret]

Oy. I'm amazed you didn't reach out and oh-so-gently choke her to death.
*sigh*. What an asshat.
I am going to use your bingo cards in my dealings with Dr Shitty. She deserves them.

[Heidi]

Hahahahahahah!! How do you come up with this stuff??? Seriously. And I think it's going to be hard for anyone to prove themselves cooler than you. So don't hold your breath.

Oh, I have an addition to your card... I had AT LEAST 4 of my friends look up from their little newborn bundles of joy to say to me "Now it's your turn." Thanks. Yeah, thanks a lot.

[ovagirl]

Hey, can you get these onto teeshirts? Tea-towels? I would love to wear Infertility Assvice Bingo...well anywhere really.

Brilliant.

[emma]

Oh I do love it! Thank goodness I'm in the office by myself today, or they would've kicked me out for giggling like a mad thing.
I've just been diagnosed with endo, and luckily came upon your blog; I swear it's the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. It's so wonderful for me to click on your blog and know that I'm not alone!
In the very short time that I've been 'out' to friends and family about my condition, I have heard EVERY single one of the endo assvice bingo comments. I have certainly felt like yelling something....perhaps I should go with "bingo!" as a compromise.
Thanks for your wonderful writing!

[InSpring]

Wow. You are truly brilliant! You so deserve better treatment than that twat gave you. Can you fire that clinic and hire a new one? She should never get another chance to be so stupid in your presence again.

[Kim]

Absolutely brilliant. I should come up with one for adoption assvice.

[Emily]

Oh my god that was good. Heelarious!

[thisgirl]

Funny. I think I'l gather up all the idiot assvicers that I work with and play a quick game at lunch.

[Jen]

Too freaking funny! I am SO printing those up and carrying them in my purse--next time someone makes a comment, I'll just whip them out and ask them if they'd like to put the sticker on their square!

[cat]

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... got a new appointment this week with new Dr's office they are already being "difficult". I'm printing and taking these with me, pretty sure they will be put to good use. If there are any photos you will be the first to know.

Thanks!

[Susan/holdingpattern]

BINGO! Had a conversation with my mother over the weekend and I WIN!

[Karen]

I lurve you.

[ms pickled eggs]

I admit it, I'm sad, but I love bingo. And I especially love your version.

[ankaisa]

I'll be printing these out! They are great. I'll have a bingo in no time!!

[T]

Hilarious! Don't forget "it just takes one" - extra special when coming from RE with catheter in hand.

[Catharine Amanda]

Very funny post... Nice to see you can keep your sense of humor in the face of such insensitive idiocy.

Uhh... so, does this mean you're going to become a crack whore? :)

[Pamplemousse]

I could shout "HOUSE" too!

[Jen/VintageUterus]

TOO FUCKING FUNNY.

[KA]

I just about snorted coffee out my nose when I saw the bingo cards. You're brilliant. Good luck with getting pregnant, but I'm sure you've heard that enough by now.

BTW, I'm anony-searcher. :)

[Susan]

You. Are. Fucking. Hilarious.

[Liz]

OMG I am weeping from laughing so hard. Thank you for your infinite genius.

[Carey]

You are f-ing brilliant. I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me to feel a little less crazy. It's really hard to believe that the vast majority of people are complete and utter idiots and constantly speak out their asses. I've heard all of these over the past three and a half years and I still have those "I'm turning into Carrie from that Steven King novel and I'm going to blow you up now." moments. Thank you for giving a voice, a real voice, to infertility. Although I'm terribly sorry that you have to experience this, I am thankful that you are sharing your experience with others. Thank you for helping me see I'm not alone.