I Don't Like Babies

Yeah, you heard me right.

When you see four women congregating around an infant, I am always the one hanging back, the one not begging to hold the baby, the one not cooing and squealing, the one clearing her throat and and looking politely bored.

I'm also the one conspicuously not begging for copies of the ultrasound, because unless your ultrasound comes with a pretty good punchline, I'm not all that enthralled.  Modern medicine has allowed us to view all sorts of things inside the human body, but that doesn't mean they're cute, interesting, or suitable for framing, as evidenced by my hysteroscopy (which Dr. BrightEyes kindly offered to videotape for us).

Because of my noticeable lack of socially expected enthusiasm, people tend to extrapolate my disinterest in their babies to a disinterest in my own personal reproduction. 

"You don't even like babies, so why do you want to have one?"

Well, see, first of all, Sam and I want to have children someday.  The baby (or, as it is referred to in the Buttmansion abode, 'grub stage') is an intermediate state, not the ultimate goal.  I look at it as the difference between wanting to have a wedding and wanting to be married.

"Well, if you don't want to have a baby, why don't you just adopt?"

Because.

"No, really, why don't you just adopt instead of doing all this stuff?"

Because.  Because there's no such thing as 'just' adopting, and if I have to explain that to you, this is going to be a really long day for me.  Besides, I never said I wouldn't like my own baby, I just said I don't like babies in general.

"That doesn't make any sense."

Sure it does.  Think of it this way.  I love Sam very much.  He is my husband, my comfort, my partner in reproductive crime.  The fact that I don't hang all over your husband and try to pinch his little cheeks (upper or lower) does not mean that I hate all men, it just means that I prefer the company of my own man.  Get it?

"Ohmigod, so you don't like babies, and you hate men?"

Have you even been listening?

"Yes!  Now, I was wondering, about those frozen eggs you have...?"

Frozen embryos.  Yes?

"When are they going to, like, implant those?" (actual real life question asked of yours truly this week)

Oh, for the love of...I'm going back to bed.  Wake me up when it's not so stupid outside.

Comments

[Alexa]

You will be sleeping for a looong time.
I will have to remember the husband analogy--fertile women never have to have worked in a daycare center or oohed and aahed over bratty toddlers to justify the fact that they reproduce. Apparently because we have to work harder at it, we are also required to want it even more.

[Lut C.]

I'm not easily charmed by other people's babies either. Toddlers are annoying, and preschoolers make way too much noise. Especially on a Monday morning on my commute to work.
My own babies will be sweet angels, 'cos I say so, even if it's a big fat lie. But I'll be glad to get out of the grub stage, as you call it so nicely, if I ever make it to the starting line.

I need to remember that husband analogy.

[Dead Bug]

Oh, oh, oh, you are so on the money.

--Bugs

[Jenn]

I'm not a baby person either. Whenever I would picture my kids they seem to start at toddlers.

I didn't know you hate men though...
;)

[Susan]

Yeah, I'm not too enthralled by other peoples' babies either/children in general either (there are a few exceptions).
I must use that "wake me when..." line, love it.

[Anna H.]

You are so not alone in feeling this way. When I've worried about this and wondered, is this because of IF? I take great comfort in remembering that not only have I always felt this way, but also that my mother was (and still is) exactly the same -- she adored me, but has never been down with OPB.

A little over a year ago, we were visiting a (now former) friend and her newborn daughter, who the friend kept trying offer up to us, assuming that we'd want to hold the baby and coo and goo and do all that other stuff. I felt guilty and icky and held the baby whenever I was asked, but my mother -- who's as loving and generous as a person can be -- just kept politely declining, saying, no thank you. I love it that she feels comfortable enough to do that. I wish I did.

Hope you're doing ok, Akeeyu.

xxoo

[Ann]

I am not interested in ultrasound pictures AT ALL. Come on, all babies LOOK ALIKE on ultrasound pictures! So, gimme a break, yah yah, it's cool that it's your baby but I don't really care? I am sure I'll be excited if it is my own belly shot but I would not expect the same kind of enthusiasm from anyone else.

[Amyesq]

I just am afraid you will have to be asleep for a very, very long time. I hope you have your comfy socks on.

[statia]

I don't understand why it's so hard for people to believe that you can hate children and want one of your own. You just hate other people's children.

It makes perfect sense.

[Emily]

Ok Akeeyu Van Winkle, I'll see in you a hundred years or so.

[K77]

That is gonna be one loooooong nap. I don't like other people's babies/children at all. I don't mind 8 year olds.

[victoria]

Hey, post about the implantation as soon as it happens, okay? Thx. -V.

[Tiffanni]

Wow, I am glad to hear I am not the ONLY one whose brain works that way.
I am sorry you have to deal with such nimrods. UGH

[Ollie]

Akeeyu, why are you such a hater? Gah.

I am looking forward to IMPLANT DAY! It sounds like they are going to place it under your skin and it will record all of your conversations. Neat, huh?

Dude, you gave me the best idea. Next time one of my coworkers or real-life associates decides to show me their ultrasound, I will show them my laparoscopy pics. "Awww look, that endo lesion has my nose!!"

[Meg]

I can't get into other people's babies.My hypnotherapist used to refer to my eggs being implanted. It drove me crazy and I stopped going.

[maria]

I don't particularly like babies either and I am four months pregnant, after so many IVF's I have lost count of them. Ultrasounds are extremely important- actually my sanity depends on them- to monitor the pregnancy. But I have absolutely no use for them as souvenirs- my sister collects them for me secretely. Bless you for this post! My only difference? I don't hate all men. Just mine. (ok, not all the time, but...)

[Katherine]

Had to go to the ER last week because I was gushing blood at just shy of 12 weeks pg post IVF. ER doc. not only asked for the date embryos were implanted and how many were implanted she also asked what happened on the "other" cycles and looked honestly confused when I responded that they didn't result in a pregnancy. This from a (very nice) lady who was responsible for providing me care and ADVICE!!!

[cat]

It will always be that stupid outside.
Never knew you were a man hater too. Bravo.

[Winnifred]

Yeah - i'm afraid that will be a long nap!!

I have to say I LOVE babies. BUT will only approach babies i know well. I HATE to see swarms of strangers around a stranger's baby. That's just stupid. I work with a woman who's mat leave is almost over and she came into work the other day and everybody was gushing. I couldn't help but feel their personal space was being invaded. I HATE that feeling.

And I'm so with you on the ultrasound pictures/videos... And now the 3D ultrasound... it's borderline spooky. I'm thankful for the technology (obviously! where the heck would any of us ivfers be without ultrasound?!) but keep the print outs, PLEASE.

:)

[Lori]

I don't like babies either. especially other people's. mine I can tolerate (well, I love them, but still...), but I really wish I can press a button and fast forward to the toddler stage.
people are stupid about everything. not just about infertility issues. you will be sleeping for a very very long time.

[Soper]

I am so sick of infertile people whining all the time. People like you are sterile for a reason! If God wanted you to have a baby, you would be able to make one like a NORMAL person! I am glad people like you cannot have kids, because that only adds to the problems in the world and we have enough problems already. Like volcano death puppies. Why don't you do something positive with your life, like adopt a cat or something, instead of hating everybody and whining about it all the time.

Sheesh. People like you make me sick. I'm glad you will be in bed, because then you won't be on the road and I won't have to run over you when I see you.

[akeeyu]

Soper, honey, if you had just been patient, I'm sure a *real* troll would have shown up sooner or later.

And it's "Volcanic Death Puppies."

[Liana]

I'm even worse than you are. I am a baby racist. I get into babies of color. The plain vanilla white ones just well often look like parboiled eggs. Now see how much worse this sounds?

[Candy]

I know this is very off-topic, but I sincerely want to thank you for your blog.

Several years ago, I and another family member both announced pregancies around Christmas. My husband's cousin was being... okay, I won't mince words... a bitch about it. She complained when we commiserated over pregnancy symptoms. She got very pushy when my husband was trying to announce the baby's gender and the name we'd chosen. We were surprised by her behavior, because she's usually so polite and giving.

I later heard she herself was having difficult conceiving due to endometriosis. She'd been try to conceive for 8 months at that point. I can only imagine her behavior was due to being so upset that evening. With one newborn being passed around and two pregnancies being discussed, I can only imagine what she was going through.

Thank you, Akeeyu. By telling us your story, you have helped me to understand just a little what someone in my own life was going through.

[anon]

Hey Soper,
That's a real pathetic attempt at trolling. Try harder next time, lol. I hope you realise that the Freedom of Speech also comes with freedom to not read. Get a life. Adopt a cat or something instead of whining about what other people want to talk about in their blogs.

Or better, go somewhere else to spout your mouth off. Like Jack Nicholson said "We're fully stocked up on crazies here."

[akeeyu]

Yikes!

Um, anon? Honey, as much as I appreciate your leaping to my defense (I do! It was very sweet!), I should probably point out that Soper and I are really tight, and she was *teasing* me. We'd been IMing earlier that morning about how I was totally going to get trolled for saying I didn't like babies, so, um...yeah.

Anyhoo, Soper is actually quite the little Infertile Dork herself, and a hell of a nifty hat knitter.

Oh, and I *love* your blog, Anon.

[erinberry]

My grandmother always says she never cared for other people's kids, but she loved her own. I think that's pretty common.

[anon]

Akeeyu,
Ooer, as I take my foot out of my mouth :) Had my sensitivity button up this week cause I saw some nasty trolling in blog-sphere.

Soper, I apologise from the bottom of my heart.

[Mrs.Jones]

Is "IMPLANT" so bad from a non-infertile? I just had my Day 5 transfer and they "IMPLANTED" the embryos into my lining (BTW--I am also suffereing from moderate OHSS and am in great pain). Surely, I can relate to folks being insensitive, but are you going to make fun of someone who didn't use the proper terminology? Sheez, lighten-up.

See what dictionary.com has to say (pay close attention to what they say under embryology):
im·plant ( P ) Pronunciation Key (m-plnt)
v. im·plant·ed, im·plant·ing, im·plants
v. tr.
To set in firmly, as into the ground: implant fence posts.
To establish securely, as in the mind or consciousness; instill: habits that had been implanted early in childhood.

Medicine.
To insert or embed (an object or a device) surgically: implant a drug capsule; implant a pacemaker.
To graft or insert (a tissue) within the body.

v. intr. Embryology
To become attached to and embedded in the uterine lining. Used of a fertilized egg.

n. (mplnt)
Something implanted, especially a surgically implanted tissue or device: a dental implant; a subcutaneous implant.

Akeeyu--I am suffering with you, and this can only get better? right? At least I hope so...Feel better.

[akeeyu]

Mrs. Jones,

You actually had embryos "implanted" in your lining? Well, nifty. So far, I've only ever heard of one clinic that actually does that, and I've never seen anything indicating that it's the wave of the future. I would assume that if it actually produced better results, all the other clinics would be jumping on the bandwagon, and yet, oddly, they're not.

"Implanting" is something that a fertilized egg or embryo has to do on its own after being TRANSFERRED into the uterus.

Not that you asked, but this was from a person who I have explained IVF to ad nauseum, to the point of printing out nifty little handouts explaining terminology and procedures.

In light of that, and the host of even dumber questions that I have been peppered with this week, YES, it really was that bad.

Sheesh. Lighten up.

[Soper]

"Lighten up": (v.) to get one's head out of one's ass and not piss off Akeeyu by being patently rude and ridiculous...

Anon, I'm frankly disappointed that I only got ONE angry response. Sheesh, you people are really spoiling all the fun around here! Come on, BRING IT ON, BAYBEE!!!!

[Mrs.Jones]

Actually, implanting eggs into the uterine lining is a pretty common IVF procedure during the transfer. I am not sure about 'band wagons', or success rates with this process. I haven't seen any stats on this specifically, but I am so sure that you can do the research and tell us all about what the 'next wave of the future is' because I am sure that you are the expert in All Things Infertility.
I just hope that it works for me and others that are going through the process.
I know that you are having a hard time right now, I was just hoping to add a little perspective and sympathy for those who can not even remotely understand what this is like until they have gone through it. Before this whole thing started I may have asked the same question (not being well-versed in All Things Infertility).
Kudos to you for trying to educate the people in your life-- but unless they are invested in your personal well being or have been through IVF, most folks won't understand/retain half of what you tell them (nor will they really care about it).
Thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you all the best.

[akeeyu]

Mrs. Jones,

Pick a position, please. Either you're sarcastic and snippy, or you're "wishing me all the best."

I don't know specific stats on this implanting business, but I can tell you that my clinic has better CDC stats for my age group than Cornell (Cornell, for God's sake!) and they don't have any truck with it. I know women who have sought treatment at some of the top clinics in the country (by reputation and CDC stats), and their clinics don't do it, either.

I find that interesting.

[Mrs.Jones]

If I have to choose, I absolutely and sincerely do wish you all the best. Truly. But on most days of my life I am sarcastic, snippy, and caring. I think that the frustration of infertiity brings out the *itch in us all (that and all the meds). That's why I enjoy your blog so much.

[Bonnie]

Thank you! I'm grateful *someone* out there is willing to tell the truth as is - not all women are interested in other people's babies... It just doesn't always work that way.