Kicking, But Not Screaming
Today I made an appointment to see Dr. BrightEyes. It's my favorite kind of a appointment: The kind where everybody in the room gets to wear pants. Oh, sure, he always gets to wear pants, but it's kind of a special occasion when I get to.
This appointment's occasion will be the loud declaration of "Oh, why the hell not? Let's start IVF again! By the way, please add this list of minor medical disasters to my chart, and I hope none of them will be a problem. We're still BFF, right?"
I'm practicing sounding less ambivalent than I feel.
When I walked into the building, just the smell of it overwhelmed me. It's a very particular smell, one that I associate with hope and potential and wonderful news and disaster and OHSS and miscarriage(s). When I walked in, I didn't know if I wanted to go make an appointment or just...go. I've always had a talent for forcing myself to do unpleasant things, so I dragged myself on like an unwilling dog at the end of a leash and sounded enthusiastic when I spoke to the receptionist.
When I talked to my mother, I said "Well, we're starting again, but I don't really want to." There was silence on the line. "The problem is that I want the (theoretical) outcome, but I don't enjoy the process. This is what we have to do, though, so we will."
A very wise woman once told me that you don't have to want to do IVF. Nobody really wants to do IVF, after all. Everybody just wants to do what is supposed to come afterwards.
So let's do it. Onward and somethingward.
Just lie back and think of the Queen. For weeks.
Posted by: swissmiss | March 21, 2007 at 04:19 AM
Oh come on. IVF. The injections, the mood swings, the bloating, a big fat needle shoved through your va-jay-jay into your ovary. What's not to love?
Posted by: Sara | March 21, 2007 at 04:34 AM
Wishing you well on the next round, and I agree - nobody wants to have to do IVF at all, I sure as hell don't but what choice is there?
Posted by: K77 | March 21, 2007 at 06:25 AM
A talent for forcing yourself to do unpleasant things is a very valuable trait. Good, well, you know, luck.
Posted by: niobe | March 21, 2007 at 06:56 AM
This is the perfect mindset for IVF. My attitude was resentful, hostile, verging on noncompliant on the last round and it did make the whole mess easier to tolerate. Don't know why. Wishing you the best.
Posted by: sarahbchicago | March 21, 2007 at 06:57 AM
Good luck with this IVF!
Posted by: Krista | March 21, 2007 at 07:28 AM
I so get that smell. I used to work at Subway as a teenager and it was not much fun. I still feel queasy when I smell that baked bread Subway smell. My RE's office has a definite smell too. And it is a weird combintation of hope and devestation. Glad you're back in the game!
Posted by: nopeainthepod | March 21, 2007 at 08:17 AM
I'm excited for you anyway. Good luck!
Posted by: Melody | March 21, 2007 at 09:11 AM
good luck with this round! i don't know that you need to practice sounding less ambivalent than you feel -- trying to pretend so will just add extra stress...
Posted by: megan | March 21, 2007 at 12:04 PM
I hope none of the medical disasters will be an obstacle for your much desired IVF ... result.
Posted by: Lut C. | March 21, 2007 at 12:17 PM
Good luck with this cycle. I hope keeping your clothes on for the appointment was as good as you had expected!
Posted by: My Reality | March 21, 2007 at 05:18 PM
Hi. I'm new here. I found you from Just Enjoy Him's blog and I am really liking it here. I'm glad I stopped by. Thanks for the laughs and good luck with your appointment.
Jamie @ FOBS
Posted by: Jamie @ FOBS | March 21, 2007 at 07:08 PM
Scratch that. It was Journeywoman's blog, which I found through Just Enjoy Him's blog. Sorry for the blatant lie. Nevertheless, I am happy to have found you however it was that I arrived....
:)
Jamie @ FOBS
Posted by: Jamie @ FOBS | March 21, 2007 at 07:10 PM
Oh sweetie, I had to De-lurk to tell you this....
HELL YEAH!!!!!
You are one of the women I read that I highly admire, mostly because I found you right after my Lap, during which I was found to have MASSIVE AMOUNTS of Endo, and I actually found your blog from the shirts you have on Zazzle... priceless BTW... I really want one of the BLB shirts, just haven't gotten around to it yet!!!
Glad that you are back, maybe we can ride this horse together!!!!
Posted by: Rebel | March 21, 2007 at 07:20 PM
My perinatalogist's office is like that too. For awhile I couldn't identify it, but it's definately the smell of hope and devastation.
And yet here I am considering getting back on the horse that sadistically enjoys trying to buck me...
Hate me, I'm going to try for a third (try being the operative word, don't NEED an RE, but it will be a road of miscarriages)...even knowing it could mean my death, and WILL mean another early baby...gods I'm a selfish bitch...
Posted by: Angela Vitale | March 22, 2007 at 06:59 AM
That sounds so familiar. The beginning of yet another cycle is not a place where you want to be. I'm sure the entusiasm comes along when you really get things going. And you're right, it's the end result that makes people do IVF. It's really not something you do for just fun.
Posted by: ankaisa | March 22, 2007 at 06:59 AM
My thoughts are with you. I have to admit I feel excited you are diving back in. I know it'll be hard and crappy, but I'm keeping everything crossed that it's worth it.
Posted by: bean | March 22, 2007 at 06:20 PM
Make sure to tell Dr. Brighteyes that I'm about to start hormones again and you know what THAT means? LOL. I almost want to laugh when I see him now. ALMOST.
As always wishing you the best.
Posted by: Emily | March 27, 2007 at 07:49 PM