Another Spin-Off

A few of my co-workers were unable or unwilling to comply with my request for relative privacy about the pregnancy, so now all of my co-workers know about it.  This means that every day, I am subjected to numerous sappy "How aaaaaare you, Akeeyu?"s.  When I pretend oblivion and offer a generic "Fine, thank you," they move in closer and say "But how aaaaaaare you?", inevitably meaning how is the pregnancy.  The women, especially, seem to want something, seem to expect me to start exuding some form of giggling camaraderie or kinship that we never had before and certainly don't have now.

What I don't say in response is "It's none of your fucking business, and when I want to discuss my uterus with you, I'll come find you," or the more succinct "How the fuck should I know?", but I want to, every single time.  Right now, we don't know a damned thing, and we won't until the end of the week.

In lieu of any sort of news, let me offer y'all my suggestion for Dick Wolf's next drama:

Law & Order: IVF
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the detectives hopped up on Progesterone in Oil injections, and the district attorneys they haven't (yet) bludgeoned with stale breadsticks in fits of hormonal rage.  These are their stories.

Beat Cop: "Thank you for coming, detectives.
IVF Detective One: "Oh, we were in the neighborhood anyway.  That new deli just opened up down the street, and their pickles are fucking fabulous."
IVF Detective Two: "Yeah, we would have been here sooner, but we had to take a three block detour around the construction site on the corner.  Man, those portapotties reek, to say nothing of the guy working the jack hammer.  Anyway, let's get down to business.  Is that B negative I smell?"
IVF Detective One, rolling eyes: "That's AB negative, obviously."
IVF Detective Two: "Well, one thing's for certain: The killer definitely needed a shower.  Fucking A."
IVF Detective One: "At least he brushed his teeth recently."
IVF Detective Two: "Ah, yes, Colgate."
IVF Detective One: "Tartar Control."
IVF Detective Two: "Yes, very nice."
IVF Detective One: "Now, the killer's last meal was obviously one of those nasty ass sandwiches from Lunchables R Us.  You know, the kind with those chicken strips that smell like laundry detergent?"
IVF Detective Two, sniffing intently: "And he cracked his molar on a sesame--" (sniff sniff) "--no, make that a poppy seed.  Must have been quite painful; I can smell his tears over here.  Quick, to the phone!  Now, I can smell his grody fingerprints (and my God, you do not want to know where those fingers have been) on the five, seven, three and eight buttons..."
IVF Detective One: "Hang on, I'll just Google for local emergency dentists with those digits in their phone numbers...a-ha!  Three blocks west of here.  Let's go."
IVF Detective Two: "Ooh, west?  Is it anywhere near that ice cream parlor you were talking about earlier?"
IVF Detective One: "Kitty corner."
IVF Detective Two: "We are so stopping there on the way."
IVF Detective One: "Clearly.  Now, let's call for backup."
IVF Detective Two: "Okay, but make sure they've all applied deodorant and haven't been anywhere near the ocean this week.  I swear I smelled whale pee on that last guy."

Comments

[Slim]

Law & Order reruns were a central part of my second pregnancy and maternity leave (it's a lucky show! better than pineapple!) -- I'd have loved this episode, especially beccause my otherwise peerless spouse did not find "What's that smell?" a riveting topic of conversation.

PS How are you feeeeeling?

[victoria]

Mwhahahaha! Awesome!

[Lut C.]

Hahaha! That's fabulous!

Grrr! A plague on the house of those blabbing co-workers. Might I suggest lice on the roses? Or mold on the fruit & veggies?

[Binky]

Thank you for that very clever spoof of one of my TV obsessions. Next week's episode: "Assault On The Senses." Detectives Progestonose and Pukekins pursue the perpetrator of stinky seafood lunch odor in the south elevators.

[akeeyu]

Oh, Binky, was it really necessary to bring up stinky seafood?

[NicaLMN]

And the IVF Prosecutors? Can they smell fear?

[Denise]

Ha ha ha! I have a preternatural sense of smell, which became almost clairvoyant both times I was (briefly) pregnant, and like Slim my husband got really tired of my commenting on it.

Sometimes I think the most frequently-used word in my house is "stink."

[MamaBear]

Effing hilarious. :)

[jeanie]

ha ha ha ha! I just realised this has to be a Law and Order spin off, because the CSI franchise would require other special effects that possibly wouldn't rate very well...

[Jolene]

You are one hell of a blogger. Your writing style cracks me up. My husband and I were trying to decide if the things you write just flow forth from you or if you have to really work on being so damn funny. We think it is the first. I check back every day to watch for updates. I am an infirtile and obsessed with you having a success story!! (An infirtile with 2 children, who wants more....so I'm probably going to go to hell for being selfish.) I have had to go through treatments to get the 2 I have and am going through more. Each time we try it seems to get harder and more involved. I am probably going to wind up on injectibles if this cycle craps out. (Wait, I am already taking the hcg trigger, but you know what I mean.) And I am so tired of being around fertiles who tell me, "I would understand if you didn't have 2 already. So really why are you so bothered that you can't get pregnant again?" My MOM said this incredible peice of unasked for assvice. So it's OK for the Firtiles to want large families, but us infirtiles should just be happy that we got one, or 2 and quit whining. I mean the NERVE...wanting a big family when OBVIOUSLY when it's "supposed to happen it will..." As in it is not supposed to happen and "I don't really care what you are going through because I got pregnant by looking at my husband, and your emotions regarding your nether regions makes me uncomfortable...I mean if it was meant to be it would happen. Gosh, you have two!" Forget the fact that my oldest is SEVERELY disabled and I hate to leave the burden of that on my one other child when my husband and I are gone. That I would like to give her a sibling that can share the burden and support her with the difficulties this will bring. GOD FORBID I dream of giving her a sibling she can actually play and talk with. I have such NERVE!
Did I mention that the HCG trigger makes me EXTREMELY bitchy?....No?....oh...well....huh. I feel a little better.

[Jolene]

BTW did I mention my best friend is pregnant with her 4th? And that I delayed a clomid cycle before I got pregnant with my youngest because she had just had a miscarriage and I didn't want to get pregnant right after that and cause her more pain. I actually prayed to NOT get pregnant before she got pregnant again. And as the other infirtiles may understand that means I was absolutely blathering crazy. OK, I'm done venting. Maybe...freakin' hormones.

[howtoinducelabor]

Hey, Jolene,
You are pretty funny yourself..maybe you should have your own blog if you don't already!