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November 30, 2007

He's A Sweet Kid...

Today was my first pants-on appointment with Dr. Twelve.  He seems quite competant as far as the medical stuff goes, but perhaps just a little slow on the uptake regarding certain aspects of human nature.

He very nicely glossed over the standard Welcome To Pregnancy crap (which was a big perk in my opinion, as my tolerance for lectures about the dangers of lunchmeat has dwindled to virtually non-detectable levels), read my chart instead of asking me my Para and Gravida numbers again, and then asked if I had any questions.

"I'd like to repeat the fFN," I said.  I failed to put that in the form of a question, but Dr. Twelve didn't seem to mind.

"Of course.  We'll just repeat that every two weeks.  Now, you haven't had sex in the past 48 hours, have you?"

Good God, man, what kind of aphrodesiac do you imagine preterm labor and relative immobility to be?

I think a negative fFN is a lovely way to finish up this month, don't you?

November 29, 2007

Care and Feeding

For the most part, I still avoid pregnancy websites.  I'm not sure if it's the tickers or just the bounty of inaccurate information that gets under my skin.  Maybe it's that this gestation has been so consistantly outside of the norm that reading about typical expectations of pregnancy don't really do anything for me. 

These websites are frequently good for a laugh, however.

Sometimes I read Sam the 'Tips for Mommy's Partner,' and oh, how we do laugh.

"Hey, Sam, according to the Internet, you're supposed to be planning a romantic getaway for the two of us."
"Don't all those trips to Labor and Delivery Triage count?"
"Sadly, no."

I think Sam's doing alright without any help from the Internet.  Heck, he could probably write his own tip list:

  • "Keep the lines of communication open.  Ask your partner how she's feeling about this pregnancy.  Warning: Do not attempt during contractions, because she'll just yell 'DON'T TALK TO ME!' and glare at you like you're a dick.  In case of contractions, abruptly cut the communication lines and hold her hand supportively while assuming the classic 'Duck and Cover (Your Junk)' position."
  • "Surprise your partner with romantic little gestures.  Instead of flowers and candy, bring her shower chairs and FMLA paperwork."
  • "Bedrest is the perfect time for a nice footrub.  No, no, dude, don't ask her for a footrub, offer her one.  She may be flailing around like a turtle on its back, but you'd be surprised how fast she can move when you're being a dumbass."
  • "Spice up your love life by helping her fasten the velcro crotch of her Gigantic Elastic Truss."
  • "For the love of cheese (and your junk), do not mention the hugeness."

November 28, 2007

Bathroom Grout? Table Leg Stabilizer?

My favorite recipe for leftover turkey is embarrassingly unoriginal.  I always imagine others floating tiny origami swans (painstakingly handcrafted from wafer thin slivers of white meat) on tiny ponds of homemade soup (thirtyfive ingredient minimum, six hours prep time) while I make Stuffing Casserole.

I started making this dish after I noticed, much to my annoyance, that our family always ran out of stuffing long before running out of leftover turkey and that the batch prepared after the fact somehow never tasted quite as good as the batch prepared in the bird.

Making Stuffing Casserole is stupidly easy.

  1. Prepare more stuffing than you could ever cram into any crevice of a turkey, even with a mallet
  2. Set aside whatever stuffing you can't wedge into the turkey in the fridge
  3. Roast a turkey any old way you happen to fancy
  4. Gather drippings from roasting pan (the jiggly gel part, not the goobery fat part)
  5. Dice several handfuls of leftover turkey
  6. Stir leftover turkey and about 1/2 cup of jiggly gel into stuffing
  7. Dump stuffing into a casserole dish
  8. Bake (covered) at 350 until the internal temperature reaches 161
  9. Uncover and bake for several more minutes, or until the top is as browned and crusty as you happen to like it

What you end up with is a nice moist stuffing that tastes exactly like it was cooked in the turkey, or as we say in our house "Hey, this is just as good as if it came straight out of the turkey's ass!"  I often wonder why this slogan hasn't been snatched up by some instant stuffing manufacturer.

It ain't classy, but it's pretty good, and really, what else are you going to do with all those leftovers?

I am curious, however.  What do YOU do with your leftovers, and how in the world do you get the beaks so nice and pointy on your origami swans?

November 27, 2007

Dignity: Optional

Sam's been bugging me to get some sort of knocked-up-chick-truss for a couple of weeks now.  I've been putting it off because...look, have you seen those things?  They're hideous. 

When calling one of the local suppliers for sizing advice, all I had to say was "Um, it's that thing that looks like gigantic granny panties with suspenders?" and the lady on the phone knew exactly what I was talking about.

I was not looking forward to it, but after Sam brought one home tonight and we hoisted Fitz-Hume and Millbarge into it, I felt like a jackass for putting it off for so long.  Jumping Jebus on a pogo stick, it is more comfortable than I can express in words.  I look like a cross between a fat guy in suspenders and the envelope of a hot air balloon, but at this point, I no longer care.

November 26, 2007

Gold Star

I'm pretty sure I get a punch card on my next trip to Labor and Delivery.  That, or frequent flyer miles.

Everything's stable.

I was having a few more contractions than usual tonight, so I called L&D and said "Contractions!  Lots!  I don't feel right!" and was cordially invited back for a checkup.  The nurses at the non-EIC, Inc. facility must not be too sick of me yet.  Instead of patting my hand, they hustled me into a bed, addressed all of my concerns and offered encouragement.  "You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.  Everything looks good.  Keep your appointment with Dr. Twelve, but don't hesitate to come back and see us any time you need to."

Fitz-Hume and Millbarge were verified to be both alive and extremely squirrelly, my cervix hasn't dilated any further, my urine was checked for all the usual stuff, and after the contractions slowed down to what passes for normal around here, we headed home.

I guess it was the Catch and Release version of an L&D trip.

November 25, 2007

Probably More Than He Wanted To Know

We haven't been back to Labor & Delivery since Tuesday.  The contractions seem stable, and are becoming quite predictable, although I find it hard to say whether this is good or not.  Every day that I stay pregnant seems like an accomplishment, but only time will tell exactly what is being accomplished.

One of the things I'm having a hard time with is the Schrodinger aspect of what is going on right now.  In some ways, this experience is very binary: Fitz-Hume and Millbarge are either going to survive in some semblance of health, or they won't.  I feel very colorless right now, like an old photograph waiting to be hand tinted by an unseen artist.  The results will determine the relative warmth of the colors chosen, and I can't catch a glimpse of the palette.

Let's change the subject.

I liked Dr. Twelve, but he didn't seem to know quite what to make of us.  When we were there on Sunday morning, he started running through possible causes of contractions.  "You're well hydrated?  Dehydration can bring on contractions.  No?  Sex can also cause contractions.  Have you had intercourse in the past twentyfour hours?"

I couldn't resist.  "Ha!  Twentyfour hours?  We haven't had sex in the past twentyfour weeks."

November 24, 2007

Class Wars

I have taken several Class C drugs during this pregnancy, drugs that by definition should be taken only if the benefit outweighs the potential risks.  In each case, I have grilled the prescribing doctor and consulted Dr. Google before tossing back the meds in question, but I've never had a problem filling any prescription until recently.

I am Manic Depressive (bipolar type II). 

Although triggers for cyclic change can be widely varied and sometimes unusual or unique, a fairly common one is sleep deprivation.  Back in the day, deliberate sleep deprivation was commonly used as a tool to affect cyclic change, and today's psychiatrists are usually quite interested in the sleeping habits of their patients.  They call it 'Proper Sleep Hygiene', a phrase I find amusing for no particular reason.

Several months ago, I started having severe sleep problems.  Part of it was typical pregnancy discomfort, but a large part was the nightmares I'd been having.  They were extremely vivid and disturbing, and I found that after they scared the everloving shit out of me and woke me up at two in the morning, I couldn't get back to sleep. 

Recognizing this as a problem, I consulted my doctors.  "Hey, how do y'all feel about me taking a Class B antihistamine to ensure that I get enough sleep?"  They thought this was a fine idea, and for several months, this is exactly what I did.  It is always possible to run into problems with off-label use, and after a while, I noticed that the antihistamines were doing a really excellent job...as antihistamines.  They were drying out my nasal passages so much that I started noticing bloody kleenex in the morning.  Since I clearly didn't have any blood to spare, I decided to consult my shrink, who said "You're doing it wrong," and prescribed an honest to goodness sleep aid.

I was a little wary of it, because the drug was unfamiliar to me and was also Class C, but after running it by two OBs and a Perinatologist and deciding to take it for the first time while hospitalized (just in case), I decided to bite the bullet and fill the prescription.

That was the idea, anyway.

When my mother went to the pharmacy to pick it up for me, the pharmacist refused to give it to her.  "This is Class C," she said, although it's worth noting that this same pharmacist had no such conflicts dispensing Nifedipine (Class C).  She called my shrink.  The shrink told her to give it to me.  She called my OB.  My OB said to give it to me.  She then called me at home and told me that I should discuss this drug with my obstetrician before taking it.

"I did," I said, probably sounding about as irritated as I was.  "I also discussed it with my peri and my shrink, and they all feel that it is in my best interest to take this."  She put on a lovely song and dance about drug classifications and risks and benefits and I spoke to her firmly and calmly and she finally relented and agreed to dispense the damned drug.

I feel like I should be awarding her some sort of points for doing her job conscientiously, but somehow I can't.  Instead, I look back on all the times that pharmacists have handed me Class C drugs without a care in the world (and sometimes with nary a mention of drug classification) and wonder what is so different about this one.  I've taken drugs to breathe, drugs to correct my response to insulin, and drugs to alleviate contractions, and none of those caused a pharmacist to bat even a single eyelash.

This can be looked at in one of two ways: That this pharmacist considered maternal sleep non-essential to the fetus(es) and therefore a frivolous concern on my part, or that because I need a sleep aid to manage a mental illness, I am not considered competant to make these sorts of complicated decisions.  I very much wanted to ask the pharmacist which position she was arguing from, but I wanted her to fill the prescription before the pharmacy closed, so I let it go in favor of getting a good night's sleep (or several).

It does still make me wonder, however.

November 23, 2007

Interesting Concept

Dr. Twelve, upon hearing that my care was being transferred to his location, had his office call me at home to schedule both an intake and an initial appointment for next week.

Because I am unaccustomed to medical transactions going smoothly, I called Evil Insurance Company, Inc.'s customer service number.  Sure enough, the transfer of care to the non-EIC, Inc. facility went through, and the consultations with The Big Fancy Perinatologist Place are pre-approved.

I'm certainly not naive enough to sit back and assume smooth sailing from here on out, but boy, this sure is a nice change.

November 22, 2007

Nurse T'lgo

I've heard of animals who become either extremely affectionate or unusually distant during an owner's pregnancy.  I have no doubt that our old cat, T'loo, would have become the feline equivalent of a barnacle, but our remaining cat, T'lgo, hasn't done anything remarkable in either direction other than occasionally stare at my stomach in mute horror.  I have no doubt that if I could read her tiny mind at those moments, I would see "Damn, woman, when did you get so fat?  Also, please don't eat me."

Since the bedrest, however, she has developed a new habit: Any time I'm alone in the house, she pastes herself to my side and purrs very hard in my general direction.  The other day I asked her if she was my new nurse.  In response, she purred some more and blinked at me.  I said "Um, honey, you know you're a cat, right?  This is sweet and all, but I'm not sure you could go for help or anything."  She purred harder.

What the hell, I already know she's more qualified than Nurse Gatekeeper.

November 21, 2007

Gratitude Exchange

Dear Uterus,

Remember a couple of years ago?  Remember all those doctors who wanted to do a complete hysterectomy and convert you from a functioning organ to medical waste?  Remember how I wouldn't let them?  Remember how I fought for you?

You're doing a great job so far.  Please continue to fight for Fitz-Hume and Milbarge.

With love,
Akeeyu