Letting Go, Hanging On

Of course it wouldn't be that easy, the theoretical ride off into the (baby-head sniffing) sunset.

I had a blood transfusion, which I definitely needed.

Fitz-Hume and Millbarge were well enough to room in with us after a few days.  They spent no time in the NICU and only a few nights in the nursery.  This represented such a radical departure from our expectations the first time I went to Labor and Delivery Triage back in November that we could hardly believe it to be true.  This entire pregnancy has conditioned me and Sam to keep our expectations low, and we continued to do so right up until we were all shown the door after maybe four or five days. 

It was after discharge that things started getting weird and by weird, I mean disturbing.  When the bloat started to resolve, it became painfully apparent how much muscle mass I'd lost during bed rest.  I was as weak as a kitten.  A really candy assed kitten.  My back hurt.  My incision hurt.  My boobs hurt.  And then there was my emotional state, which...damn.  I don't think it's entirely unexpected, do you?  Unmedicated Manic Depressive Mother plus Premature Twins equals No Sleep (der), which leads directly to problems. 

I had a couple of really fucked up days.  I was slipping in and out of REM sleep so quickly, it felt like I was hallucinating.  When I slept, I had nightmares that would peel the paint off the walls, the car, the Mona Lisa, the Golden Gate Bridge, you name it.  I couldn't eat.  At one point, I was barely sleeping, just worrying for hours and hours and hours. 

I was completely convinced that if the doctors could see how weak I was, how poorly I was managing, how I was unable to care for them by myself, that someone would lock me up and take them away.  I was afraid to talk to their Pediatrician, afraid to say the wrong thing.  Evil Insurance Company, Inc. tried to schedule a post partum home visit and I tried to turn her away because I was afraid she would tell someone how sick I was and that the house was messy and we'd lose the girls. 

I was too tired to hold them or feed them.  I couldn't feed myself.  I was too tired to cry.  Every time anybody looked at me (up to and including the cat), I would whimper "I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry."  If Sam wasn't the most amazing husband ever and my mother hadn't stepped in to take care of all of us--well, I don't like to think about what could have happened. 

Like I said, it was some fucked up shit for a couple of days there.

My mother finally badgered me into eating a meal that Sam had prepared earlier ("You have to eat this.  He made it for you because he loves you.  Now eat.") and things slowly started to turn around.

My milk came rushing in at about the same time that I realized that breastfeeding was a spectacularly bad idea for our family.

Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in breastfeeding.  I loved breastfeeding them for the fiftyseven Yoctoseconds (total) that they successfully latched on.  I loved making milk.  I even loved pumping.  The problem was that between waking up two premature babies to eat every three hours and pumping every two to three hours and me already being so physically compromised (not to mention really needing to go back on my crazy meds sometime in the near future), it just wasn't a very realistic goal for us.  Add into that the amount of research on the safety of breastfeeding on Manic Depressive meds (very little), the amount of invasive/painful testing the girls would have to experience to ensure their safety while receiving my milk (a lot) and the degree of paranoia we would collectively experience while trying to monitor them for side effects ("OH MY GOD, she sneezed and farted simultaneously!  Do you think it's a sign of brain damage?!?"  "Hers or yours?") and...no.

I am sad about not breastfeeding.  I am also sad about missing out on all that glowing pregnancy shit and not being able to walk or leave the house for several months and not being able to give birth to them without major surgical intervention (and what a post that will be), but I am choosing to let go of those things and hang on to what matters: Our disgustingly beautiful and amazingly resilient daughters.

The sunset hasn't arrived yet.  Things are still kind of hard over here.  My physical recovery is just beginning and I still can't care for Fitz-Hume and Millbarge on my own, which is rather disheartening.  Today is the first day I've been awake for a respectable portion of the day, gotten out of bed more than a handful of times, or eaten a full meal. 

I don't feel like this is a happy ending to our collective story, but only because I don't feel like this is an ending of any kind.  This is just the beginning for all of us.

Comments

[Holly]

Hang in there, kiddo.
I have no parental experience of any kind, but it has to get easier, right? After the start you've had in bringing these girls into the world, it all has to be up from here.
Sending you good vibes from Melbourne, Australia.

[alisha]

Oh, honey, those girls aren't going anywhere. Wait -- you don't have any bananas on the counter, do you? Cause there was this one time that I had this surprise state inspection and...

Okay, in all seriousness, don't worry about feeling The Fear. Yes, you're being irrational and insane, but that's part of motherhood. Fear, guilt, pain, and worry go with the job, but they'll overtake you if you let them, so do whatever it takes to integrate it all into your life while staying/becoming functional. It takes time to learn to adjust, it does. But most of the time, the things that we're scared of most would never happen. Not even to you.

Good job. Eat something. Get help. Take meds. Learn a new normal.

I'm so proud of you.

[Patty]

Hi Akeeyu.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!! on your strong, healthy, perfect, wonderful little girls.

Please please please please try not to beat yourself up about the breastfeeding and/or the weakness thing. You have been through hell with all of this. Heal yourself. It's like the old example about flying - if the plane's going down, secure your own oxygen mask before you try and assist someone else. Let everyone help you.

I am so proud of you and so thrilled for you. xoxoox

[Sheila]

Congratulations, Akeeyu! And my sympathies too. I am so very sorry for the rough time you've been having. I was very ill after our babies were born. The combination of post-surgical pain, stress and anxiety, the hormonal crash, trying to pump and nurse, insomnia and nightmares, physical exhaustion, and the specific medical problems I had... it was overwhelming, and I was miserable. You've got all that and much more going on - so the way you feel is very understandable. I'm just sorry it's not getting better more quickly for you.

Please be gentle with yourself, and have reasonable expectations for what you can expect to accomplish each day. (Remember, all first time moms of twins feel exhausted and overwhelmed, even when the circumstances are ideal.) Try to rest and eat a little bit more than yesterday, and spend all the time you can with your babies, and delegate everything you can to other people. Truly, this parenting stuff does get a lot better as you go along. You are right, this is just the beginning.

with heartfelt best wishes,

[Izabela]

Congratulations.
And I can quite relate. I was only on relative bed-rest (too pregnancy-sick to move, don't give me that pregnancy glow), no twins, no prematurity, no manic depression. And my mother took 6 weeks off work to look after us. After the first two weeks managed by Husband. Coming from a country that considers it the minimum a new mother is owed (and yes, it is a western European nation). Also, they consider it proper to stay in bed for a fortnight at least - not that you are sick, but because it is easier to rest if you are already in your jammies.
Despite it all, I still remember a little breakdown, when I couldnt' go to sleep, couldn't rest, could only cry... Par for the course. Gets much better soon.
cheers,

[Rachel Inbar]

Akeeyu... take it easy. Your girls AND you all need to be getting the care you need. Taking care of one baby is hard, taking care of twins is REALLY hard (I've done both) and that's when they're full-term & you haven't been on even a minute's bed rest & aren't even dealing with any emotional issues. Get all the help you need now, just think how much therapy it will save in the future ;-) Take care of yourself!!!

[Megan M]

I second that line of Patty's above; secure your own mask before helping others. Don't let anyone give you a single second of guilt over the breastfeeding -- there are other, higher priorities in your situation.

If you have any money to spare, get a maid! You and your relatives can focus on the kiddos, and the house can go to hell. Buy some help -- even a teenager from down the street can clean a bathroom (I put myself through college that way). They can do laundry, they can go grocery shopping, because right now those tasks aren't worth the effort they'll take you.

Good luck, and I'm just down here in Portland if you need anything!

[Melinda]

You are so right - this is just the beginning.

Oh, and the fact that you have been able to make the decision not to breastfeed, and to prioritise what is really important for your family? That alone shows more strength than you can see right now.

You are going to be just fine.

[Tam]

You know, I'm a big fan of breastfeeding too, but there is NO way I could've done it with twins and after the pregnancy and delivery that you've had. Absolutely no way. You've already performed a herculanean, impossible feat in getting those children out healthy and at term - I think now you're entitled to use all your physical resources to get back on your feet. You've done so well already; don't beat yourself up about this.

And you know what? I remember reading once that if you line up a class of six year olds, you simply can't tell which ones were breastfed and which ones weren't. The halls of the Ivies and Oxbridge are not solely populated by the breastfed; I'll bet a lot of Olympic athletes also grew to the peak of fitness without being boobed as babies. It's a good thing to do if you can do it without risking your own health and sanity, but otherwise, I honestly believe that the most important thing is for mom to be happy and healthy.

[lumos]

hope everything works out for u.Our prayers are with u and the girls.The names?

[ll]

Congratulations on the arrival of your two daughters. Man, it does sound like you're really doing it tough though... I'm sorry.... here's hoping things start looking up soon.

[MamaPajama]

You know that internets would come clean your house and cook for you and Sam if you would let us sniff the baby heads just once?

[Reese]

Congratulations! And those f*cked up first days and weeks are gauranteed no matter what kind of pregnancy/delivery/family you have. I am so glad to hear that Sam and your mother are being so supportive and that you are able to begin working it out. Not breastfeeding will surely be hard, and a loss you are free to mourn. But the good of getting back on meds will be so benificial for you all. So much of pregnancy and having a new baby/babies at home is taking it as it comes. Whether one day at a time or one hour at a time or one feeding at a time. You are in my thoughts and I can't wait to hear names!

[Slim]

I am glad you have your mother and Sam to drag you through these weeks; there is no way on earth you could be expected to haul yourself through them.

You're going to refuse to set up a donation button for funds to hire people to help for the next few months, aren't you? Because if you won't let us come there and work for sniffs of baby head, that's what we'd like instead. Please? Please please please?

[Jill]

At this point it is hard to know how much of this is normal post-baby stuff, and how much of it is your own circumstances. No matter which, the babies are home and healthy, and you will get your feet under you at some point. Here's hoping it is soon.

[Heather]

I just think you are wonderful!! I love your honesty and I can't imagine caring for one baby - must less two!

I agree, this is just the beginning...the hard part.

[Cathy]

Congratulations on your girls.

I've been lurking for a long time following your story, because it's so very similar to my pregnancy - the onset of contractions at the same time, the bedrest, the "nothing will go right" path .. and the same level of prematurity for our children. (My twins are boys though, and spent 2 weeks in NICU learning how to eat.)

Giving up breastfeeding (10 days in) was the best decision I made. I did the math - I was pumping 4 hours a day. And then having to bottle feed, every 3 hours. And care for them. And care for myself. And try to sleep. And eat. I was non-stop crying. It's too much with premature twins, if they can't latch. That's my conclusion.

I'd LIKE to tell you that everything gets easier. I'm (2 1/2 months in) still waiting for that. But there are just those MOMENTS that make it all worth it. And I'm wishing for you so many many of those moments.

[Lila]

Congratulations. Yes, the transition IS hard. But it will get better, I promise. Sleep deprivation is torture, nobody can understand it if he/she didn't experience it. You feel like disconnected from yourself.

I admire your decision to solve the breastfeeding dilemma the courageous way. You're the mother, you decide, you know what is best for you and your family.

Get help. Be good to yourself. Be proud of yourself and your amazing family. Nobody expects anything from you - you're doing a wonderful job so don't beat yourself up about dust under the sofa.

AND PUT UP PHOTOS HERE FOR THE BABY HUNGRY CROWD!!!!!!!!

[Sonya]

I want to second what Reese said. These first days are incredibly hard no matter what. Don't be too hard on yourself. Things will get better and I bet it happens faster than you think (those low expectations leave room to be pleasantly surprised).

The internets really are here to help. Please let us know if there's anything we can do. Seriously.

[Ollie]

Hang in there. It's very hard to hit the ground running after a c-section, let alone everything your body has been through. I hope you get rested and your strength returns in short order because you built two amazing little girls. Don't sweat the feeding methods. Not only did you bring them to healthy term, you also gave them the colostrum! That's amazing given what has gone down. Not bf'ing means Sam can help with the feeding while you regain your strength.

...and I agree, a way of lavishing the Buttmansion Girls would be awesome, even if it is through anonymous cash.

[Kate]

I'd been hoping that the reason you hadn't posted for a while was because you were having such a great time enjoying your beautiful babies. I was also worried that it might be a sign that things were tough. I am sorry that the latter applies. I hope that you are getting enough glimpses of the former to see you through.

And, regardless of the circumstances, your judgment as a parent (and of course that of Sam) is the only one that matters. Hang on to that, too. And based on what I read here, you both have impeccable judgment.

Best wishes Akeeyu. These are precious times for you. I hope the dark clouds will be gone soon and your strength recovered.

[LMM]

Congrats and please, please, cut yourself some slack, take whatever meds make sense and gladly accept any and all help offered.
This is not about you or any kind of personal failing on your part so you CANNOT regard it that way. Almost every mother goes through some kind of post-partum emotional roller coaster, let alone after what you've been through.
Your girls are here and healthy and wonderful. You did great. And it will get better, I promise. Look at these first 2 weeks as baby boot camp.

[Aurelia]

Well, they'll be no judgement from me. I went through horrible post partum adjustment issues and incredible sadness over it all. Beat myself up forever because I felt like I wasn't a very good mother and I just wasn't doing it "right". Haha, like there is even such a thing as "right".

Akeeyu, there is NO RIGHT WAY. You are doing the best you can with what you have.

Considering everything you've been through you are doing fabulously! We just have to get you some sleep and some food and I'll bet you will feel amazing. Please ask for help. Get a cleaning lady, call the postpartum people at EI Co. and talk to them about getting some homecare. No one can raise their kids alone. It always takes a village, or at least, a bunch of friends and family.

And as far as the breastfeeding stuff--no worries, but please don't stop on a dime, slowly decrease your pumping so you don't get all lumpy and get mastitis. In fact, if you have developed any lumps and are still feeling fluish, or shitty or tired please call your Doc. You might have a postpartum infection brewing somewhere, boobs, or down below! In fact, why don't you call your Doc and ask what they can do to help you right now? Maybe they can prescribe something to at least let you calm down a touch?

Just ask for help....really, it's okay to ask.

[Nix]

Congratulations on the girls.

I second what Kathy had to say. If you are pumping and breastfeeding twins there are never enough hours in the day. Even without breastfeeding I find I can't manage to do all the household chores (and my twins are 6 months old). You and your daughters have priority over housework.

Wishing you all the best.

[Katherine]

I continue to admire your fortitude. You're doing a magnificent job - now, a little nosh, ok?

[Bethany]

Akeeyu,

New motherhood can be a dark time for any new mom, and you've survived some extraordinary experiences. I hope that you can cut yourself a break on the things you can't control (the c-section, breastfeeding, etc) and just focus on those two beautiful girls and your recovery. It will get better. Many warm thoughts coming your way.

[jenn]

I, too, chose not to breasfeed despite being told that my epilepsy meds would "probably not" pass to my babies. It felt wrong, so I bottle fed in the face of shocked silence of my friends and the tidal wave of media screaming that "breast is best." Two years after my second daughter was born, the research came out that women on my meds should DEFINITELY NOT EVER breastfeed. Ha!

New rule for you: You are The Mommy. You decide what's best for you and your family. 99.9% of the time, the long run will find that you were right.

C-sections suck. Period. I had one after 8 weeks of bedrest(& nowhere near all the complications you experienced)& felt like I'd been run over by a truck. I, too, cried that I couldn't lift or diaper the baby. I didn't think I'd ever walk normally again. Around 6 weeks postpartum, the veil began to lift and close to normal energy levels returned. It was more like 10-12 weeks before I felt like exercise-walking at all. And sex? Hahahahahaha....

[jenn]

Sorry - hope I didn't post twice. My computer is doing dark & freaky things.

[Nic]

I second the donation button for a way for us to express our internet love. I've followed your story for a year now and being able to do something to help or share or whatever would be fabulous. Sending you and Sam much love and the babies whispers of sleep and cuddles in their baby ears. Good luck- we're pulling for you.

[Shanna]

I know I know I KNOW it's not the same thing, but...my twins are 13 months old and I *still* can't care for them on my own. I mean, we can get through the day now with just me as the only adult around, but the mere thought of doing dinner + bedtime solo, or being the only one to get up overnight...it makes me cry. When my husband went on a 3-day business trip, I had to call in a friend and HER baby to come over for dinner and bathtime every night. So you're probably a LOT more capable than you realize.

(PS: I sent you an email waaaaaaaaay back asking you to drop me a line when you felt NBHHY-y enough. Now that the girls are out...)

[Courtney]

What everyone else said. Congratulations again on those baby girls! And yay for supportive mothers and husbands and internets!

[Meira]

Congrats! Did ya know that PPD was originally diagnosed in moms of twins? heh. I bet you're not surprised. I knew it was coming and I was still pretty shocked with the intensity when it hit. I'm so, so glad you've got some support.

Forgive me if I'm missing the point or the timing is off -I have a tendency to get breastfeeding preoccupied- but I just wanted to say that if you haven't started the meds yet, you might want to pump & freeze how ever many oz you can get before you start. It's good for a couple months in the freezer, and if there's a time when you want to give their immune system a boost or something, you can defrost it. Or add it to bananas when they start food or whatever. (Or make it into yogurt! Or use it to treat pink eye! or, or, or . . . Ok, now I'm just being silly!) But regardless of how long I nursed my babes, I always ended up wishing I'd pumped/frozen more, so I thought I'd mention it.

In any event, you've kicked ass for those lovely girls. It's been a long scary hard road and you've truly kicked ass for them, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

[Emily]

Hi Akeeyu,

I am a huge supporter of brestfeeding, too. I even admit to being one of those people who believes tha in most cases not trying pretty darn hard to breastfeed is irresponsible.

BUT... There are always exceptions to the rule and I think you are clearly one. You have been through so much and those baby girls need you to be yourself, and happy, and recovering, and you need drugs to do it. It might be sad to give the idea up, but you'll more than make up that sadness just allowing yourself to be happy with your babies, and you need to do whatever it takes to get there. I think anyone, even the previously most happy and optimistic person on earth, would be hard pressed to get through what you have without needing some serious medication in the end. Add to that diagnosed manic depressive and well, I'm honestly darn impressed you even wanted to TRY breastfeeding.

Get well, get healthy, get strong and happy again, and revel in the wonder of those girls. That is all that matters.

[Elena]

Congrats on the girls! Yey! I've been reading your blog for about 3 years and am a fellow manic-depressive mom of twins (boys born at 29 weeks after 9 weeks on bedrest).

I do have one comment. I understand that you are in a hard place, as that initial post-partum period is hell for everyone, but especially those of us coming off a long bed rest and a c-section. I see everyone in the comments is encouraging you not to breastfeed. I didn't for similar reasons and regret it to this day (1.5 years later). Do it for as long as you can before you start your meds. Your babies need it, even if it's very hard. You've gotten them this far and you can get them farther. I am still mad at all the "support" I got not to breastfeed. I wish someone just told me to stick with it and provided real support to make it work.

Also, language-wise, your babies are near-term, not premature. There's a lot of us who read this blog whose babies were premature and labeling fairly healthy, near-term infants with the same word is inappropriate.

[Heather]

WOW!! Just hang in there!! That's all I can say and enjoy what you can do for your girls. I'm sure it won't be long and you will be feeling much more like yourself. (I'm hoping really soon!!)

[electriclady]

Speaking as a failed breastfeeder myself, it is totally natural to feel sad about not breastfeeding, to feel sad about everything you missed with this pregnancy. But it is a true testament to your resilience and strength not only that you were able to make the right decision for your family, but that you are able to see that your beautiful babies are what really matters, not whether you stick your boobs into their mouths or in a plastic cone eight times a day.

Like everyone else said, those first few weeks are bound to be a mess of tears and inadequacy no matter what came before. Luckily you have Sam and your mom--just try to get through it, and I promise it does get better. (I imagine it will especially get better once you go back on your meds--and now that you're not breastfeeding, you can also give night duty to Sam and try to get a decent night's sleep yourself.)

[Catizhere]

stay strong.

[JenM]

You are a fucking rock star. Get some lithium, some formula, and some sleep! xo

[yocheved]

I really feel for you. No one (except you, maybe) expects you to be able to take care of them on your own. Just think of the logistics - you will probably need help for a long time, until they are old enough to do some things for themselves. All parents of twins do. Also, the way you're feeling is completely understandable. I hope that in addition to starting your meds, EIC will hook you up with something to help you sleep.
In my experience, for what it's worth, being anxious and depressed made it very difficult for me to produce milk. I'm glad you seem to have come to terms with formula feeding early on.
It *will* get easier. You will make it through this dark period. Please, though, get all the help you possibly can. If it helps at all, think of all your readers who are filled with concern and love for you and your little family. Sweet Dreams. - yocheved

[Susan]

You do the best you can for your family. I hope that your days get easier. I'm glad to hear that the babies are doing well.

[Haley]

Sugarplum, I think we all have faith, at this point, that you can handle absolutely anything. And I know that you feel like you can't possible take one more god-damned thing, but we know you can, and we know you will. And yocheved is right - lean on people. And breastfeeding is not always the right option - my mother had me through similar circumstances, and her body never manufactured enough milk for me, which lead to all sorts of problems. You do what you think is best for your family - go with your gut - it's brought you these two beautiful baby girls, hasn't it?

[daysgoby]

SQUEEEEE! Akeeyu's PREGNANT!

(Yeah, I KNOW. But this is the first time we were cleared to say it, right??)

Congratulations on your beautiful girls. My doctor said the first six weeks were the worst. I'm still not sure if he meant for us, of for him, but whatever....

You're going to be GREAT. I swear.

[Jennifer]

Please ignore the boob nazis (my husband's term) and stop breastfeeding. Its more important for you to get on to some meds that will help you feel better. You gave breast feeding the old college try and it didn't work out. Guess what? The world didn't stop revolving and nobody died. Stop beating yourself up. There are millions and millions of people who weren't breastfed that do brilliant things and are perfectly healthy and happy. I pumped for six months because my baby couldn't latch on and it was absolutely horrific. I finally stopped so I could take some long overdue mental health meds. I had sunk so low I felt like I would never see light again. I missed out on a lot of bonding with my son all because the boob nazis had me convinced that if I didn't breastfeed I was a bad mama.
Well, you aren't. Switch to formula, get some good meds, heal yourself both physically and mentally and then you can start enjoying those precious babies you waited and sacrificed so much for. I know you can do this. Look at how much you have already done! You are one kick-ass woman!

[DementedM]

I've followed your journey for a long time. I'm very happy for you. But yes as someone else said, new motherhood is hard without exception. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it four months later myself. My daughter has ripped up all my roots and planted new ones. Motherhood is quite the transformative process.

You absolutely must do what works for you and ignore what anyone else (even experts) say--every woman has to define motherhood for herself, there's no one size fits all parenting.

I hope your mom is able to stay for a while, hands on help is invaluable.

M

[winomom]

Lurker turning commenter to add my humble congrats and most likely worthless 2 cents. I could be a boob nazi, as one commenter mentioned above, because of my love of the experience I got to have. BUT. I only got to because the meds I take for anxiety/depression are NOT the meds you probably need to be resuming. And everyone in my family (including my parents who we LIVED WITH while I was pregnant, and for the first 5 months of the baby's life, would have institutionalized me for choosing breastfeeding OVER meds, had that been the choice I'd been forced to make. You are doing the right thing. You will heal. You will get stronger (and like another commenter, I was on sickness-induced bedrest for most of the 9 months). Your muscle tone will come back. In time and in itty bitty baby (ha) steps. I think I was 6 months post partum before I started to feel not tired nearly every minute of every day. And I only had ONE baby! You've done the amazing...gotten your girls here, and healthy. You're focusing on the right stuff. Accept the help, the food, the meds, everything else all the other well-wishers are saying. Good job.

[Garnigal]

Congrats on the girls, on being home with the girls, on taking things one day at a time, on a beautiful beginning.

I know this is the least of your worries, but rest assured that this post, like so many in the past, has made me simultaneously cry and giggle. It's not a good look, but it speaks volumes about your talent.

All the best,
Ann

[the mother hen]

been down that c-section, bloodloss, transfusion road. Its hard and all you want to do is take care of your babies. Glad that you have help. It will get better soon. Sleep and nutrition will help. Glad your babies are healthy and home with you and Sam.

[Denise]

Happy beginning to you!

I echo the people who say you never really "do it on your own." I have two kids (4 and 2) and my husband is away this week, and I have preschool and day care and dog day care and a housekeeper one friend bringing dinner over and two friends inviting us for dinner at their houses, all just to help me out. (And, you know, I'll probably still burst into tears at least twice this week.) Sure, I could do it all alone but what's the point? It's more fun this way.

(Uh, also, I'm pretty lazy, and I like the company.)

[Denise]

Happy beginning to you!

I echo the people who say you never really "do it on your own." I have two kids (4 and 2) and my husband is away this week, and I have preschool and day care and dog day care and a housekeeper and one friend bringing dinner over and two friends inviting us for dinner at their houses, all just to help me out. (And, you know, I'll probably still burst into tears at least twice this week.) Sure, I could do it all alone but what's the point? It's more fun this way.

(Uh, also, I'm pretty lazy, and I like the company.)

[Jenn]

God, reading that brings back so much of what we went through here the first few months (yeah sorry, it takes a few months to really get any better). I remember rocking one of them and crying and trying to figure out if I dropped them off at the firestation as a Safe Haven place if they would give them back once I had a little sleep.

Hang in there. I swear it gets better (even though I wanted to punch every. single. person. who said that too me). For us it was around 3 months. Then even better at 4 months and better again around 6. Now at 18, it's fucking awesome.