Still Rough

After stuffing my bra with cabbage and my stomach with NSAIDs and sage tea, my breasts finally went from Huge Unforgiving Lumps of Agony to A Bra Full of Impending Sag.

Millbarge has to go to a specialist today, either to have something ruled out or ruled in.  We're hoping for good news, but I am terrified.  Other than this issue, I think she is doing very well.  She is chubby and beautiful and loves to pitch fits, even in her sleep.  Before Millbarge, I believed that babies were quiet while they slept, but she fixed that for me by constantly muttering and grunting to herself throughout the night.

Fitz-Hume is extremely tiny and always looks vaguely pissed off.  The bottles never come fast enough, she doesn't see why she has to get naked in order to have her diaper changed, and she greets every burping session with an incredulous look of "What the fuck are you hitting me for?!?"

Sleep is still a challenge. 

I still don't feel functional.

I can't stop worrying. 

Our health care costs tripled this year.  We've already cut every corner we can.  I dread talking about this, because I know the pat answer: "Why did you have kids if you couldn't afford them (you asshole)?"  Well, it's a funny thing.  The increase in health care costs occurred when I was already pregnant and just before I went on three months of unpaid bedrest, rendering it impossible to plan for the impending financial blow.  At this point in my recovery, I'll be lucky to hang on to the job offering us this health care, because we'll never qualify for anything else.  When I return to work, taxes and health care costs will eat up my entire paycheck.

I want to breezily say "Oh, that's so kind, you shouldn't have," but I have to admit that the idea of a paypal button might not be entirely unwarranted right now, and would be appreciated more than I can express. 

Two questions: Will you still respect me in the morning, and how do these things work?  I haven't a clue.

Comments

[Alex]

I will always, always respect you and would love to be able to give some small gift to your family. I cannot help on the techy aspect of putting the button up there, though.

I hope you will be able to post good news soon about Millbarge. I will be obsessively refreshing until you do, not that this matters.

"she doesn't see why she has to get naked in order to have her diaper changed" made me laugh out loud. My DS was the same way. It got better once he got some body fat and the weather/house got warmer. I hope Fitz-Hume, too, will eventually find this process less annoying.

And I know I don't have to tell you that the way healthcare works in this country absolutely stinks and that you are not in the least responsible for that. I know that if you were in charge the system would be tons better and, in fact, I would happily put you in charge of it. Sadly, I'm not in charge, either.

[Nic]

I'm all for having a paypal button, especially if it makes you want to post more often. I'd love to be part of giving your family a little peace and less worry.

[Jen]

your last post before this one brought back so many tough emotions for me, from when i became a new mom myself four years ago. i also spent months on bedrest and experienced the loss of muscle mass, phsycial strength to even blow my own nose, and had ridiculous post traumatic stress / anxiety / panic attacks / sense of doom 24 hours a day while trying to care for just ONE tiny baby ... so where you are right now... this is life at its HARDEST. i just wanted to say get those meds started again and you will be a whole new woman mentally, and the physically part takes time. i also couldn't breastfeed for the same reasons as you and it weighed heavily on my heart for a long time but we deal with what we are given. i know the feeling of wanting to feel blessed for what i had and at the same time mourning what i lost, oh the guilt for that. just know you are NOT alone, and on top of everything else you are experiencing financial stress? holy jesus what more can a person take on? move to canada maybe? i swear, i do not understand your country's ideas about health care, this stuff should be unconditional. anyway, i would love to help you out if you get that donation button up, any small bit helps. chin up.

[SAasy]

Here is the start of donation documentation at the PayPal website: https://www.paypal.com/us/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donate-intro-outside. Please do it! I'm sure there are tons of people out there who would love to help, including me.

[Rachel Inbar]

Go for it, girl :-)

[Haley]

Sugar, please do it. I think we've all wanted to send you something for months now, in the form of cookies or wine or whatnot. Let us help, at the very least.

[Joy]

I'd help! Consider it a late internet baby shower or something... registering for health care costs seems like a more noble epxense than the $90 Gucci bib, after all! (No, seriously. Check out the Gucci website. White cotton bib, $90. WTF?)

[Jill]

I love that Haley called you Sugar.

If I could, I would come over and take care of the babes so you could get some sleep. I'll settle for a paypal button. And please remember we have been asking you to do this for a while. So no wigging out on us about it.

[thrice]

You should also look into the blogher advertisements. You are entitled to support your family, without guilt.

Good for you for reaching out!

[Boulder]

Hello Everyone who loves Akeeyu. Boulder here.

I think it is time for another shower hosted on my site. This time, however, we'll focus on what will really help Akeeyu, Sam, Fitz-Hume and Millbarge and I'll put a new posting up this afternoon with a paypal button instead of a mountain of packages in her garage. (http://tinyurl.com/yr2ra4)

I chatted with Akeeyu many nights on her 90+ days of bedrest, and as funny as it sounds, she really helped me more than I feel I ever helped her. This will be my way of giving back. Once things have settled down a bit in her life, I'll be happy to help her set up her own button.

If you would like to help, please know that if funds are tight for your family that a link to let other people know will help tremendously.

See you at my "place" I hope.

Boulder
(Click my green signature below to go to my blog for the button.)

[Lila]

I'd love to donate. It's all for your girls, I feel like a virtual auntie and love to have an outlet for this feeling. I think you and your girls deserve much more than anyone can give you.

[Queenie]

"Before Millbarge, I believed that babies were quiet while they slept, but she fixed that for me by constantly muttering and grunting to herself throughout the night." Yes. Babies are LOUD when they sleep. Remarkably so. They get marginally quieter as they get older, but they make up for it by learning how to roll, kick, flail, *stand up*, and fling themselves back down--all while sound asleep. It would be awe-inspiring, if it weren't so annoying.

And thank you, Boulder! Akeeyu, you definitely deserve to get paid for all the work you do on this blog, whether it seems like an official job or not.

[Lila]

Oh, and a propos respect: what is there more to respect than a mother swallowing her pride for the benefit of her family????

[Brooke]

Hi, there. I think you, or someone, should set up a donation button up at the top of your site. Also, people like to donate items, so maybe you could set up an Amazon or Target wishlist of things you will really need. Maybe items in bulk, even. I am not really sure about this, it's just a few ideas. Hang in there. I have been following your story for a couple years now, I guess, and hope you and your family get and stay healthy soon!

[victoria]

I will still respect you in the morning. Remember, I've always advocated for your getting PAID to write! You are a GREAT writer and you should be compensated! (Sorry I don't know the techinicalities.)

[Catizhere]

I can barely put gas in the car anymore but I would abso-freakin-lutely send a little "gifty" your way. Note: that said Gifty, not Fifty. I don't think you're THAT funny.

Thank you Boulder.

[Rhonda]

Good gracious, health insurance SUCKS these days.

You are awesome and most worthy of respect--sleeplessness, impending sag, and all. Anyone who would castigate you for having kids in financially challenging times should get a boot to the head. I was delighted to donate over at Boulder's site. I only wish I could have given more.

This is the hard part but it will get better.

[baggage]

I gave and posted it on my site too. I will try to give more too. I've been honored to know you for the time I have. Keep your head up. I'd check into blogher ads too...they are taking new aps now and they pay monthly. Not a lot of cash, but hey..it is something.

[Melinda]

On the "I can't stop worrying" thing - it's a permanent state.

Welcome to parenthood! :-)

Just point me in the right direction and I will happily donate a little something too. If anyone is deserving of a helping-hand, it's you and your family.

[suzanne]

my personal finances are in total shambles (single mom, full-time graduate student, facing a $900 bill for the kiddo's dentistry next month, ACK!, so on and so forth) so i can't donate anything on paypal, but i make BADASS cookies and would love to send you some.
i'm giving you hugs in my mind.
let us know how millbarge is doing, ASAP!
birth story, names, sizes, all the details are coming post-haste, i hope?!

[Sonya]

Will absolutely respect you and won't hesitate to help as I can. The health insurance stories I'm hearing lately are so scary. What's wrong with this country? And "can't stop worrying?" I feel exactly the same way. I think it's part of motherhood...

[Amy]

I don't know if anyone else agrees, but I am going to stand firm and refuse to hit the Paypal button until you divulge baby names. And possibly pictures, but I definitely need names.

[MamaPajama]

To Boulder: Done.

Could we come up with some cuter names? Millie would be cute for Millbarge, but I'm struggling with a diminutive for Fitz-Hume.

And how is ABC feeling about her new sisters?

[twirl]

My daughter sympathizes with yours on the naked diaper change thing.

[mimi2303]

Target wish list sounds good. I would also like to know the real baby names. My daughter just had twins and diapers and formula will break u up. I like the idea of wish lists and not money. More would donate and it feels more personal. rita

[Alex]

Just to jump back in, for whatever it's worth, I notice lots of folks (in this round of comments and previously) wanting names and pictures of your daughters. I know lots of bloggers post such things, and more power to them, but personally I have always respected your choice to guard your family's privacy IRL. Were you to want to post such things, I'd be delighted to see them, but I, at any rate, do not expect them and would never dream of requesting them.

[Ollie]

Thanks for hosting their shower, Boulder! Done! Hugs and love to you guys, Akeeyu, Sam, Millbarge and Fitz-Hume.

[jenn]

Damn right I'll respect you! Thank YOU for letting us do something for you when you have given us hours of entertainment with this blog. Good luck to your family...things will normalize at some point. *sending vibes of love & health*

Thanks, Boulder for the Paypal button - just used it!

[Brianna]

I'm with Alex. Also, thank you Boulder! I think a lot of us were waiting for a chance to show our appreciation and congratulations.

[Patricia]

Hell yes I would contribute via a paypal button. You have been such a support to me here in Texas. I would gladly send a birth present or push present or whatever you wanted to call it.

[silene]

Thank you, Boulder - I will visit post-haste. how nice to be able to do something for Akeeyu, Sam, "Millie" and "Fifi" (??).

Akeeyu, I hope you get the answer you want from M's doctor. I am sorry things are still so tough. Love to you all.

[Sage's Mummy]

I am SOOO happy you considered my proposition. Just do it. I will be the first to send a little love to the girls. I will be refreshing all the time till I see that little button.

[Nina]

Put it up immediately. Call it your tip jar - call it whatever you want. But do it.

[Barbra]

Don't feel badly. It's horrible that this can happen to normal, every day working people in our country. I'm trying like Hell right now to just be signed up to PAY for long-term disability should the need ever arise b/c I KNOW we couldn't afford that at all if it happened. We'd lose our house. But the damn insurance company is dragging their feet. Perhaps they're related to Evil Ins. Co. Inc?

The babies sound wonderful. Congrats.

[Flicka]

I think the question is, did we ever respect you to begin with? :-P

Put it up, babe. We wouldn't miss out on this chance for the world.

xo

[Jill]

Ok, several things come to mind, in no particular order:
1. you are a brilliant writer and definitely should publish something about this experience or whatever floats your boat. I would not be at all surprised to discover that you write for a living.
2. Ditto Alex on the photos/names, and simultaneously ditto everybody who has said they would love to know and see. Another reason you should publish your story (safer for your but we sincere "fans" do get our closure and can settle down.
3. I never gave birth and have never cared for a baby at home, because my kids were adopted at 3 and 6, but I do know that the worrying starts when your kids arrive and never, never, ever stops.
4. Meds are key and I find you one of the bravest fucking people I have ever known of to go off yours for so long to incubate these perfect little monkeys. I give it all up to you for making it to the other side of that surreal aspect of all this. pop those pills and take a deep breath, baby. regulation is around the corner.
5. you should publish your story. did I say that already?
6. Boulder having a virtual shower for you is one of the coolest things ever. Ever.
7. last night i told a 'virtual' friend that i met on an infertility website to find your blog to try and help her through a very dark time. you are reaching a lot of people and it matters. a lot. please don't stop.

[Clare]

Of course I'd help... I left the US because I was too scared to get pregnent there (as much as I miss the mountains of the Northwest) with the insane health 'system.' I've been looking for a way to pay forward the health care costs I've been 'saving' since my move (well minus the high taxes here), and I would love to help someone who's stuck dealing with the shitty system that is the US (and writing so well about it to boot - it always just depressed me fighting it as part of my day job, then dealing with it as a patient). Hang in there and another round of congradulations!

[Clare]

Oh one more important thing, I hope the visit with Millbarge's visit with specialist goes well and that all your worries alleviated!

[watson]

I am happy to contribute too! Your writing has given me countless hours of hilarity (not to mention a good excuse to totally blow off work, back when I was working!) so technically I probably owe you a few bucks :-)

I am sorry this time is so friggin' hard, and having just been through it, I know how impossible it seems to just get through the day. And the nights...OY. I was only on bedrest for a couple of weeks so I can't imagine how hard it is to recover from everything you've been through, and everything you're currently experiencing now.

It sounds simplistic to say 'it gets better,' but IT DOES GET BETTER. But get the help you need, and be alright with it, okay? Admit when you're suffering and ask for and accept help from Sam, your Mom, your doctors, strangers on the internet...anyone and EVERYONE, okay?

PLEASE -- all of us who have experienced the absolute dread and anxiety and other crap that can go along with new parenthood should stand up and say YES THIS IS HARD AND WE NEED HELP and the more of us that do it, the easier it will be for those who will follow.

And now I'm down from my soapbox and off to take the 10,000 amino acids I'm currently taking since the 2 SSRIs I tried made so sick and the shrink I'm seeing claims these can do the trick!

Please keep us posted! And e-mail me if you need anything or have any questions, okay??

[Slim]

Well, I'll respect you as much as I ever did, heh heh heh . . .

Kidding. I'm a kidder, I kid.

Also, I am very, um, thrifty, and I love not having to pay shipping on shower presents.

[Clover]

I respect you more for being upfront about your needs and wishes. We've all seen you go through a lot and if $$ for formula, etc. is appreciated more than a blanket with Millbarge & Fitzhume's names on them, then I think most people are more than happy to oblige. :)

[hydrogeek]

Thanks for hosting the shower, Boulder!

Akeeyu, this is the toughest time. Take care of yourself, in whatever way you have to. The worrying never goes away, but...you get used to it. It settles in. I will be thinking of Millie until I hear that things are fine.

[Jennifer]

I just wanted to say congrats on your little ones, and that I NEVER tire of ivf success stories. Being that I will be undergoing it shortly.

All the best!!

[gerberdaisy]

LOL Sonya, and thank you for setting that up, Boulder!!!

[Liz]

Hugs and a quick burping tip: Sit the baby on your lap with one hand under her chin, supporting her head and your other hand on her back. DO NOT PAT. Let the bubbles just naturally rise to the surface. There will be a resounding burp, louder than any you've ever heard.

According to Penelope Leach, patting breaks up the bubbles into smaller bubbles, making one loud burp into many smaller burps.

[winomom]

One stranger's question to you is, when do you get your meds back? This stranger can feel your anxiety (totally warranted, NOT criticizing) through the keyboard. And how do I recognize it? I experience. And it sucks. You have enough on you to battle your brain all by yourself.

And on the paypal/little gifts thing? I've no idea how any of that works, but if it could for you, go for it.

[Melinda]

These first weeks are hard. They almost did me in and I had one baby, my mother there to help, and no bedrest. You are amazing. Your whole family is amazing. So glad I could do something. Best wishes for peaceful nights and solid naps!

[Amy]

Unlurking to say -- you have had my thoughts and prayers for months. I'm so glad to be able to do something tangible to support your family now. Thanks, Boulder! And Akeeyu, you get extra respect from me for having the courage to ask for help when you need it. That's not easy, I know. Back to lurking, and sending positive energy, and waiting for more good news.

[Rachel Mcdaniel]

Hi! Delurking to say "congratulations" and also to chime in and say that people who are demanding baby names and photos need to back off. There are too many weirdos on the internet. You have no obligation to give in to these demands. If you choose to post these things, all would be thrilled no doubt, but we have no right to expect or ask for these things. If fact it's damn rude, especially the person who said they wouldn't send a gift until these demands were met. Keep your gift, I'd say. As a recurrent miscarrier, and also a mom, I've been reading your blog since the days you were drinking V8 for GE. You should put together a book, I'd buy it! Also, although you'll always worry somewhat as a mom, it does get better. I had severe PPD and no twins or bedrest, or C-section and I was PARALYZED with worry about baby in those days. I actually got a baby out of my body ALIVE and was convinced that something (unrealistic) would happen to take that child from me. You've conquered infertility, recurrent miscarriage and dangerous prematurity for these girls, and you'll conquer this rough spot too. You're AWESOME!!

[Sherry]

Delurking to throw my hat in the ring and offer up any support I can give.

My twins were born at 36 weeks, and despite them and I being healthy, I thought I'd very well lose my mind. I suffered from infertility, then severe PPD, which required medication that I just stopped taking at 30 months post partum.

Please keep talking, if it helps, and let us help you in any way we can.