That Must Be Some Powerful Wang

There seems to be a flaw in the current system of feeding infants.  No matter how often you feed them, they just want to eat again in (insert any random number from zero to eleventy billion) (nanoseconds/minutes/hours).  They never just stay fed.

Because of this, I had to leave the cozy confines of my home to obtain more formula yesterday.   My mother was home with the girls, and as they tend to gang up on single caregivers, I was attempting to make my formula pilgrimage as quickly as possible.  Naturally, I ran into an elderly acquaintance on the way to the car.

"Oh, Akeeyu, how are you doing?  How are the babies?"
"Fine, fine," I said, apologizing for not having any pictures on me when she asked to see one.
"Did you see that magazine?  That cover with the, ah, the Jo Lo?"
I told her that I did indeed see The Jo Lo.
"You know what I think?"
I wondered if she thought what everybody else in the known universe was thinking, but said nothing.
"I think those babies were gifts from God."
"Oh?" I said politely, fervently hoping for Jennifer Lopez's sake that they were not gifts from God.  The gods, after all, have a long history of giving pretty questionable gifts.
"She waited so long, you know.  I think those babies were her reward because of everything she had to go through."
"Hmm," I said.
"Because of what that Ben Affleck did to her."
"Oh?" I said again, wondering what she meant specifically, but more than a little afraid to ask.  Did she mean That Ben Affleck dating her?  That Ben Affleck dumping her?  That Ben Affleck costarring with her in Gigli?  That Ben Affleck committing some other unspecified evil my elderly acquaintance was privy to?
"It was just awful.  Poor girl."
"Mmm," I said, nodding sympathetically.
"But now she has twins!"
"Yes."
"Just like you!"
"Yes," I said, thinking '...Just like me in more ways than one.'
"Isn't it wonderful?"
"It is," I said, and we exchanged pleasantries before going our separate ways.

So here's my new theory, courtesy of my somewhat nutty elderly acquaintance: Ben Affleck, or the lack thereof, must be the new cure for infertility.  I'm not sure how much time you have to spend with him or what exactly you have to do with him, for him, or more specifically to him before you start popping out boy/girl twins left and right, but clearly The Jo Lo is evidence of some sort of Ben Affleck Infertility Cure. 

I think that somebody should probably apply for some sort of government grant to further study this phenomenon.

It's for the greater good.

Comments

[Slim]

And then there'll be a video: "I'm Treating My Infertility with Ben Affleck."

(But it will only work if you want him bad enough.)

[Elizabeth]

It must be the absence of That Ben Affleck, since that Jennifer Garner only had one baby.

[DD]

Did you come home with formula or did you bean her over the head with it?

[hydrogeek]

The title of this post had me giggling before I even knew what it was about. Powerful wang indeed.

[Katherine]

This was hysterical. Bully for you being the bigger person and not telling your neighbor how (unintentionally, I know) hurtful her comments could be. And, there really isn't much I wouldn't do to Ben Affleck - does that make me odd.

[Denise]

Snort.

Fuzzy thinking at its finest!

I suppose your twins are compensation for watching Gigli, or some such?

[Sarah]

LOL, which seems inappropriate in some way, especially since I'm in my cube at work. The idea that her twins were reward for whatever Ben Affleck did to her just cracks my ass up. I want some of that! I would think that instead they were her reward for having to look at her current hubby day after day. But then her twins look an awful lot like him and that doesn't seem like any kind of reward.

Hope your twins are cuter than hers! :)

[Meira]

I'll take some of that cure!

[victoria]

Medical problems and/or one's recovery/lacke thereof from same are ALWAYS indicia of karma/character.

So when someone gets cancer, people tend to say, "Well, she always had a very negative personality" (because we all know depression = open door for uncontrolled cell regeneration). If same person dies of cancer, people say "She had a defeatist outlook" (death from cancer = proof you're not a "fighter").

I'm convinced that people indulge in these fantasies to protect themselves from the knowledge that the universe is random and cruel, much like the way female jurors at rape trials try to find ways to blame the victim to protect themselves form the knowledge it could happen to them, too ("I would never wear a skirt that short / walk down that street at that hour" etc. so she can think "I would never be raped").

This is why Susan Sontag wrote "Against Interpretation." Some facts are just morally neutral facts, not metaphors.

[Aurelia]

And then after the first video with Ben comes out, does Marc Anthony have to get with Jimmy Kimmel? To treat his male factor IF?

[uccellina]

I have a 90-year old next door neighbor, and have great conversations with her too. she had twins, and once I asked her how long she carried them for. She looked at me like I was bats: "Until they came out!"

[baggage]

Wow. I never knew it was that simple. He kind of creeps me out though, so I hope I don't have to spend that much time with him.

[sheilah]

So, since it is unlikely I will ever actually meet Ben Affleck let alone date and break up with him, I wonder if I can conceive twins if I watch Gigli 100 times.

On second thought I don't think I could watch Gigli enough to cure my IF before I had to cut my own throat.

[mommy]

hahahahahha!

[Mandy]

Am I the only one that has this idea that JLO broke Ben's heart, not the other way around? ;)

Too bad I'm done having children, now that I know the secret infertility cure.

Of course, then again, I DID have a dream shortly before getting married that Ben Affleck was in fact devastated by the news of my impending wedding. He cried. Maybe it was a Ben Affleck CURSE?

[JuliaS]

OH - so that's why Jimmy Kimmel is doing the nasty with dear old Ben - he's trying to have a baby without having to do IVF!

So what is Jimmy's girlfriend Sarah trying to end up with doing it with Matt Damon??

And - unless your twins look like Skeletor or this - I am sure your twins are WAYYYYYYY cuter than the Lo-Lo's cause from what I could tell, they look like their dad.

Shudder.

[JuliaS]

Drat - I tried to link the "this" in my comment to the World's Ugliest dog.

Oh well - you get the idea.

[JuliaS]

OH - so that's why Jimmy Kimmel is doing the nasty with dear old Ben - he's trying to have a baby without having to do IVF!

So what is Jimmy's girlfriend Sarah trying to end up with doing it with Matt Damon??

And - unless your twins look like Skeletor or this - I am sure your twins are WAYYYYYYY cuter than the Lo-Lo's cause from what I could tell, they look like their dad.

Shudder.

[JuliaKB]

You are a much bigger person than I am-- I so wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut. These days I am all about making people run smack into the brick wall of the logical progression of their thoughtless words.

[marion]

"Am I the only one that has this idea that JLO broke Ben's heart, not the other way around? ;)"

Given that one of their issues was that he liked visiting high-priced strip clubs and that he, by all accounts, was the one who resisted getting married, I'd say yes. :) Especially since neither behavior appears to have persisted in his relationship with J.Garner. Sorry! I do feel sorry for J.Lo in some respects - there's nothing quite as humiliating as dating a semi-bad boy who won't really reform FOR YOU and then watching him move on to a goody-two-shoes girl and become SuperHusband/Father. But methinks J.Lo is not the easiest person to live with day to day...

[twinboysmom]

Wait a second, Ben Affleck comes with twins?? I didn't recieve my Ben when my boys were born!!! What's the address to request my Ben?

Seriously, I loved this post!