Twins: The Neglect Is Built In

There comes a time in the life of every parent of multiples when they realize that their entire parenting experience is going to be a long series of compromises.

Actually, I'm talking completely out of my ass.  I assume that everyone who reproduces in CostCo sized lots experiences this, but maybe they don't.  Maybe it's just me.  Maybe I suck at this that much more than everyone else.  I just don't know.

I do know that we've all boarded the Compromise Express over here. 

The girls are not what you would call thrilled.  Can you blame them?  Even under the best of circumstances, they never have solitude or anybody's undivided attention, or at least not for long.  Rather than being breastfed and doted on and toted around in a sling and gazed at for hours on end, they suck down formula and are constantly being put down because sorry, honey, Mom's back is still shredded from the bed rest, and your sister needs (fill in the blank).

On average, I think I spend about 136% of my waking hours just doing damage control.  I don't dangle educational toys and coo sweet nothings, mostly because all my available energy has been taken up keeping the girls from crying, or trying.  I wouldn't even chalk up today as particularly successful in that regard, but at least I didn't find myself saying "Oh shit, don't kick your sister's soft spot!"  Not today, anyway.  This is not the kind of parent I thought I would be. 

I was recently trying to explain the difficulties involved with feeding two infants on different (and completely random) schedules to a very well meaning relative who cocked their head and said "But why don't you just feed them at the same time?"

Well, you can't, especially when one is so much smaller than the other and therefore eats more frequently.  Or maybe you can feed them, but then when it's time to burp them, it all goes to hell. 

• Who do you burp first, the one who screams in pain when she needs to be burped, or the one who sits silently when she needs to be burped, appearing content and almost cheerful, and then projectile vomits without warning?
• For that matter, who do you feed first, the crying baby who probably isn't really hungry but won't go to bed without some sort of snack, or the hungry baby who isn't crying but is awake and very much needs to eat? 
• When the planets have aligned poorly and they're both hungry at once, do you start with the baby who takes twenty minutes to eat and will then stay awake, fussing, for two damned hours, or do you start with the one who will eat and go back to sleep in fortyfive minutes?
• After the feeding, when one baby has exploded out of one end, and the other, in solidarity, has exploded out the other end, who do you clean up first?  Obviously, whichever baby you hose down second will make a concerted effort to smear some sort of effluvium as far and as thoroughly as possible while the first baby is being sanitized.

Feeding two newborns at once is a little like trying to catch two feral cats simultaneously and dress them in tiny roller disco costumes.  The satin jackets aren't so bad, but the eight tiny roller skates will fucking kill you.