Because I am employed somewhere in the Sixth Circle of Hell, virtually everyone I work with is pregnant right now. Two of them are conveniently due "on the same weeeeeeeek, OMG, that will be so neeeeeeat," so they hang around and talk shop a lot. You can imagine how fun this is. Hell, most of you don't have to imagine, but only to recall that magical time in your own life when everything sucked to an almost ridiculous degree and everyone around you was pregnant. Ah, good times.
Anyhoo, in listening to the accidentally fecund and those who love to reminisce about the good old days when they were oopspregnant, I have learned a great deal about pregnancy in America by virtue of being just slightly too polite to run screaming from the room.
1. Pregnant women like to discuss the minutae of their lives. So do I. So do you. So does everyone, but the difference is that people are more likely to listen to the minutae of pregnant women. "You ate food? And it made you gassy? That's amazing! How far along are you? That same thing happened to me!"
2. Pregnant women like to eat large quantities of food, and/or strange foods. So do I. So do you. So does everyone. The difference is that people are less likely to give you crap about this behavior if you are pregnant.
3. Pregnant women get tired and like to sit down when they are tired. So do I. So do you. So does everyone. Of course, when you're pregnant, people tend to be understanding and offer you a chair.
Other things that pregnant women tend to get a free pass for are wearing elastic waist pants, farting a blue streak, being really bitchy without apologizing and getting coddled by their significant other. From what I've gathered from witnessing the daily squealfest, chicks really dig this stuff. Some of them apparently dig this more than the actual end result of pregnancy.
A couple of days ago, after a rounded bevy of accidental gestatertots left my personal proximity and the urge to stab myself in the eye with a pen subsided (somewhat), something started to bother me a little bit.
Isn't it just a smidgen depressing that the only state in which American women are guaranteed the right to eat whatever they want, sit down when they need to and be treated sweetly by their partner is pregnancy? Is the idea that the bearers of empty uteri have less intrinsic value? Are women really only worth spending society's kindness on when we're busy producing another member of society? Not to put too fine a point on it, but that fucking sucks.
Well, I've decided I don't like that idea. I'm so unpregnant right now, I'm practically a man (although to be fair, Sam, with his Rubenesque "Akeeyu, I prefer the term pleasantly obese" figure looks far more pregnant than I do), but that's no reason I can't sit down when I'm tired, eat what I please, and let Sam be sweet to me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to have some pickles and a nice glass of milk. Yes, really.
